The ‘other’

What to do when we have feelings for someone who is already in a relationship? Or even married?

If you related to that question, please take a deep breath and step back (in your mind) from this situation.

Try to view it objectively and with detachment (not saying it’s easy).

Let’s be clear. There are all sorts of choices. You could try to find out if the other person reciprocates the feelings. If you already know that they do, you could either leave the situation, force the situation or reach a middle ground.

Most of the times, we only look at ourselves and the object of our affection. But there is always another person involved (or persons) that we just do not want to see or think about. That doesn’t make them disappear. You might make them invisible to you but their presence is there nonetheless.

The last couple of years, I’d been through situations presenting themselves with this pattern. Over and over again.

Why would I come across such situations in my life or my friends’ lives?

Yup, there is something to it. There is a lesson, or more, to get out of this.

A few of you might know from my previous posts that when I had started this blog, I had just gotten out (or rather thrown out) of a relationship. It involved a third person. Somewhat the kind of scenario I was portraying in the first sentence.

I was scandalized. I could not understand the mindset of the other person involved. What was going through her head? How could she, supposedly being a friend, and having been my roommate, have feelings for my partner out of all people and have the nerve to pursue those feelings?

I kept thinking, I would never do that. We often seem to think others would not do unto us what we wouldn’t do unto others.

So imagine my reaction and conflict when I came across 2 such scenarios myself where I could have possibly been that person.

So yes, it does take a little bit of effort to pull back, realize what’s going on, and choose. Yes, we may say ‘to hell with everything’ and open the door to our hormones and mad passion and all that love and care that was bubbling to be distributed. Or we could pause for just a second and see what would be the consequence of that one choice.

I realized that it’s the responsibility of not only the ‘other’ person, but also their (for the lack of a better way to put it) object of affection.

It’s very much possible to discover feelings for someone who is already in a relationship, however it is also up to us to decide whether it’s okay to pursue those feelings.

We must always remember one thing. What doesn’t seem okay, or what feels so wrong to us doesn’t necessarily have to seem the same way to someone else. Understanding this was very important to the ongoing journey of  forgiveness.

All relationships have boundaries and lines that cannot be crossed. But every person has a different definition.

At two different occasions, I was brought face to face with situations that could lead me to become the other person. Fortunately (for myself) I had the sense to walk away.  Nothing is more important to me than my peace of mind. I no longer believe that there is that one person who completes us whom we cannot live without. And if that’s the case, we can find other people we can share our lives with instead of with someone who’s already a part of someone else’s dream life.

For those who are going through such a situation, I can only say one thing.

Forget all the ideas of right and wrong. If someone wants to be with someone, they will find a way to do that and if those feelings are reciprocated, whether you stand there with a big red heart or a bed of thorns, it won’t make a difference.

Do not blame yourself and think ‘only if’ you had done something differently, things might have been completely different. There are no guarantees in relationships, just like there are no guarantees in any part of life.

Life has a way of shocking us and this is one of those times. But strength to those who come out of it healed instead of broken. We take it as a lesson, perhaps a massive one, and know that at least we will not do something like that, especially because we know what pain that could cause to another.


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