Unconscious

All we have in life is this moment...
Okay. So I’ve been wanting to try meditation and have constantly tried ‘living in the moment’ or at least with as much awareness as possible.
When I first came across this (practice?), I was really excited. I envisioned meditating everyday and being calm and peaceful.
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I’ve never come across someone who said to me that it’s a messy, achingly slow and gradual process. People have told me that it’s hard in the beginning but that it’s life changing.
I decided to build a meditation practice.
I sat to meditate and voila! The first thought popped up – “what’s so hard about just sitting here in silence?”
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That was quickly followed by several other thoughts – “firstly, I’m not supposed to be thinking. Secondly, there’s no such thing as not supposed to be thinking and thirdly, I’m not supposed to be judging my thoughts or reprimanding them for interrupting my oh-so-peaceful time alone. Okay, shh. Shh isn’t a thought is it? Yes it is! Shh! I mean don’t think. Okay, no talking. Stop. Zzzzz. Wait, that’s a thought too. Oh my God, why am I talking in my head? Okay……*silence*.”
I’m sort of in awe with this concept of having to escape from ourselves – from our own minds. Imagine what horrors lie inside, for us to want to get as far away as we can!
Oh well.
I’m going to be honest here. I’ve tried meditation several times in the past ten months – I gave up too easily and too fast. Why? Because my back ached and my knees got all shaky and I suddenly felt like I had arthritis – pains in places and joints I didn’t even know could ache – ‘…*silence*… Ouch, my knees hurt … *shifting slightly* … why do my shoulders and back hurt so much? I feel like an old lady! Okay, concentrate … *silence*… Okay I can’t do this, this is too painful! Is it supposed to be this painful!? … *silence* …’
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Why would anyone want to do this to themselves?’ That’s the question I ask when I’m struggling and twitching all over. And then after those few moments – apart from almost 95% of the time twitching, I experience a tiny little bit of the non-chatter and silence and my question seems so… pointless and trivial.
I wanted this – the calm, the peace. But I wanted it without the intimidating silence (at which time, suddenly I get all comical and direct funny short films in my head), without the aches which seem to appear out of nowhere (I literally feel like an old woman), and without the guilt that comes with not sticking to it and doing it everyday or even every month!
I lost the will, the patience and the motivation to keep going. But I have quickly seen how differently my mind works when I’m practicing meditation and how it does when I don’t.
I have starting meditating again and this time, I hope to stick with it. Observing thoughts is good, but I do think I need some time apart for this. It makes a huge difference.
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The question is, will I call it quits or endure through the initial twitching and carry on.


Do you meditate? How did you form your practice? Do you want to? Or is it just not for you? I’m curious! I’d love to hear about your thoughts and experiences.
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42 comments

  1. Oh I can so relate to this! I used to be able to meditate really well, long ago before the advent of social media, mobile phones, 24 hr news – yes, there was a time way back when it was possible to have stillness and silence. We are so over-stimulated nowadays, we are even more in need of meditation than before – but it is so much more difficult. We lead ever busier, more stressful lives, work often drains every last ounce from us and we just want to veg out afterwards, or the kids need so much attention due to all the demands of school – my daughter spends many late evenings baking cakes for the kids to take in for birthdays/special occasion days/fundraising, and that’s in addition to homework/packed lunches/normal domestic stuff. Didn’t realise this was going to turn into a polemic! Sorry. Just wanted to say, you are so right, it isn’t easy but so worth it when you get there – eventually! I think probably a guided meditation is best – I once did a free course online with Deepak Chopra and it was better being guided and supported than trying to do it alone. You can probably get meditaiton cds? Good luck! ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. timelesswheel · ·

      That’s so true! We are surrounded by so many things and we want to do everything and fast! Your daughter sounds like a supermom! Thank you so much for your suggestion! I did download a few applications on my phone which includes guided meditation. I do think that works best for me, at least when I’m trying to settle into a routine and not waver and get distracted 🙂 How is your meditation practice going now?

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Haha I wish I could say something inspiring! For one thing, I rarely have complete space and quiet for any length of time. For another, I seem unable to switch off from family concerns and also, I too can’t find a position where it is possible for my body to relax other than lying down – and then I fall asleep! But, I do have short periods where I just close my eyes and am still. I focus on my breathing for as long as possible. I really do need to get out my old tapes – yes, really, tapes😉 – and do a guided relaxation. I have to do them when lying down, but it really helps if you have trouble sleeping to do them in bed – btw I never have blue-screen devices in the bedroom. I wish I could get into the habit of not looking at them for a whole hour before bedtime too. Good chat! Thank you ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

    3. timelesswheel · ·

      Same here! The only comfortable position is when I’m lying down but I end up sleeping or getting drowsy. I guess those short periods of quiet are really valuable. Sometimes I feel like I’m running away from having quiet time. It’s this need to be doing something every single second. I guess ‘trying’ to meditate sort of beats the purpose of meditating in itself…also an excellent idea to not keep the phone in the room… I usually stick to just my room in the house and always have the phone by my bedside… however that isn’t much of a problem…it’s the video marathons that are :’) You must get those tapes out. In the meanwhile, I’ll make use of the apps 🙂 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    4. Haha we’re currently working our way through The West Wing and we started off just one a night, now it’s 3 or 4 and once even 6! Of course, I am then thinking about all the issues all night and the theme tune is embedded in my mind! But at least when I am watching/thinking about that I am not worrying about other things, it does help me switch off from those. But you’re right, every so often I know that it’s time to really switch off – both literally and metaphorically. The arrival of summer will help in that respect – less time spent in front of screens.

      Liked by 1 person

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