Okay. So I’ve been wanting to try meditation and have constantly tried ‘living in the moment’ or at least with as much awareness as possible.
When I first came across this (practice?), I was really excited. I envisioned meditating everyday and being calm and peaceful.
I’ve never come across someone who said to me that it’s a messy, achingly slow and gradual process. People have told me that it’s hard in the beginning but that it’s life changing.
I decided to build a meditation practice.
I sat to meditate and voila! The first thought popped up – “what’s so hard about just sitting here in silence?”
That was quickly followed by several other thoughts – “firstly, I’m not supposed to be thinking. Secondly, there’s no such thing as not supposed to be thinking and thirdly, I’m not supposed to be judging my thoughts or reprimanding them for interrupting my oh-so-peaceful time alone. Okay, shh. Shh isn’t a thought is it? Yes it is! Shh! I mean don’t think. Okay, no talking. Stop. Zzzzz. Wait, that’s a thought too. Oh my God, why am I talking in my head? Okay……*silence*.”
I’m sort of in awe with this concept of having to escape from ourselves – from our own minds. Imagine what horrors lie inside, for us to want to get as far away as we can!
I’m going to be honest here. I’ve tried meditation several times in the past ten months – I gave up too easily and too fast. Why? Because my back ached and my knees got all shaky and I suddenly felt like I had arthritis – pains in places and joints I didn’t even know could ache – ‘…*silence*… Ouch, my knees hurt … *shifting slightly* … why do my shoulders and back hurt so much? I feel like an old lady! Okay, concentrate … *silence*… Okay I can’t do this, this is too painful! Is it supposed to be this painful!? … *silence* …’
‘Why would anyone want to do this to themselves?’ That’s the question I ask when I’m struggling and twitching all over. And then after those few moments – apart from almost 95% of the time twitching, I experience a tiny little bit of the non-chatter and silence and my question seems so… pointless and trivial.
I wanted this – the calm, the peace. But I wanted it without the intimidating silence (at which time, suddenly I get all comical and direct funny short films in my head), without the aches which seem to appear out of nowhere (I literally feel like an old woman), and without the guilt that comes with not sticking to it and doing it everyday or even every month!
I lost the will, the patience and the motivation to keep going. But I have quickly seen how differently my mind works when I’m practicing meditation and how it does when I don’t.
I have starting meditating again and this time, I hope to stick with it. Observing thoughts is good, but I do think I need some time apart for this. It makes a huge difference.
The question is, will I call it quits or endure through the initial twitching and carry on.
Do you meditate? How did you form your practice? Do you want to? Or is it just not for you? I’m curious! I’d love to hear about your thoughts and experiences.