“You need to get straight with yourself”, my mentor said.
I was wallowing in self-pity, pain and obsession over him and why it all happened as it did.
I couldn’t understand how to get past it. How to live without his existence. My aspirations included living with him and doing things and going places with him. Suddenly my whole life felt empty and meaningless. Yes, I had (still do) a career, family, friends, a comfortable home. But I couldn’t remember a life without and before him.
Without my mentor and guide supporting me through this hard time, I would not have been able to get out of that state with the non-stop crying.
I watched videos of people talking about wise things, books that challenged me ‘spiritually’, The Ellen DeGeneres Show which never failed to make me laugh (or at least smile – and cry at the same time).
I also slept a lot. That lasted around five months.
During this process, I lost a lot of weight unintentionally. I had lost my appetite. I gave up all the food I loved – chocolate, junk food, spicy food, pizza!
I stopped obsessively watching TV series/staying up all night on weekdays (and weekends).
I’d sleep early and wake up hours before the sunrise.
My tough exterior wall broke down and nothing mattered as much as I thought it did.
My opinions became nonexistent and all I wanted was to know why I still had to exist without this person I couldn’t imagine living without.
I did not pursue the idea of suicide but I did feel like death would be great – I felt that would finally give me some peace as opposed to living which never did.
I realised that there was no such thing as getting peace. It was all about finding peace. And I didn’t have to even open my eyes or get out of my room for that. I didn’t need a thing or a person or food for that.
On and off for eight months, my mentor comforted me, pushed me, shook me out of my episodes and shared words of such truth and wisdom.
“Either you obsess about what you do not have and how to get it, or you make yourself so beautiful, graceful, self-contained, radiant and patient that all your desires are pretty-fulfilled before you even think about them.”
I was going to write about how I was struggling today, because I succumbed to checking his Instagram account and how difficult it was to look at the photos.
I was at work when I did that.
(Note to self – Never stalk while at work, unless you’re ready to be drenched. Actually, don’t stalk him at all – ever).
I spent a good amount of time in the toilet talking to myself (I never said I was completely sane) and asking myself questions and answering them. I swear it feels like there’s a much calmer, wiser person residing inside of me and the hopeless person that I feel I am and loves crying is fighting to survive (not the concept of the angel and devil on my shoulders, much more subtle than that).
It’s great to have support and a guide to help you out. But nothing like this sane voice in your head that grounds you when you need it the most. Stern and which doesn’t get fooled by the tears and ravaging emotions which seem never-ending.
“Get straight with yourself”, my mentor’s words echoed in my ears.
I could feel myself observing myself. And looking at myself as if from above.
(I was not having an out of body experience – I felt, didn’t ‘see’ myself. Also, something very curious and dubious happened – I could make out a side of a face in the tiles on the wall near the sink. This has happened before. It’s like how we make out shapes out of clouds – I see shapes and faces on the bathroom walls and floor tiles. Don’t give me that look – I told you I wasn’t sane).
It’s really a wonder, how our minds work and how we let it control us at times. A mere thought can cause meltdown. One single thought.
Of course most of the times it doesn’t stop there. There are the what-ifs and the buts. Don’t even get me started about the whys – extremely toxic.
Sometimes there is no answer to a why-question. Or to any question.
The sooner that sinks in, the better. Sometimes things are just as they are and people do what they have to do.
Nothing is personal. But everything could be made personal.
“Your thoughts and emotions are what undo you”