Get straight with yourself

“You need to get straight with yourself”, my mentor said.

I was wallowing in self-pity, pain and obsession over him and why it all happened as it did.

I couldn’t understand how to get past it. How to live without his existence. My aspirations included living with him and doing things and going places with him. Suddenly my whole life felt empty and meaningless. Yes, I had (still do) a career, family, friends, a comfortable home. But I couldn’t remember a life without and before him.

Without my mentor and guide supporting me through this hard time, I would not have been able to get out of that state with the non-stop crying.

I watched videos of people talking about wise things, books that challenged me ‘spiritually’, The Ellen DeGeneres Show which never failed to make me laugh (or at least smile – and cry at the same time).

I also slept a lot. That lasted around five months.

During this process, I lost a lot of weight unintentionally. I had lost my appetite. I gave up all the food I loved – chocolate, junk food, spicy food, pizza!

I stopped obsessively watching TV series/staying up all night on weekdays (and weekends).

I’d sleep early and wake up hours before the sunrise.

My tough exterior wall broke down and nothing mattered as much as I thought it did.

My opinions became nonexistent and all I wanted was to know why I still had to exist without this person I couldn’t imagine living without.

I did not pursue the idea of suicide but I did feel like death would be great – I felt that would finally give me some peace as opposed to living which never did.

I realised that there was no such thing as getting peace. It was all about finding peace. And I didn’t have to even open my eyes or get out of my room for that. I didn’t need a thing or a person or food for that.

On and off for eight months, my mentor comforted me, pushed me, shook me out of my episodes and shared words of such truth and wisdom.

“Either you obsess about what you do not have and how to get it, or you make yourself so beautiful, graceful, self-contained, radiant and patient that all your desires are pretty-fulfilled before you even think about them.”

I was going to write about how I was struggling today, because I succumbed to checking his Instagram account and how difficult it was to look at the photos.

I was at work when I did that.

(Note to self – Never stalk while at work, unless you’re ready to be drenched. Actually, don’t stalk him at all – ever).

I spent a good amount of time in the toilet talking to myself (I never said I was completely sane) and asking myself questions and answering them. I swear it feels like there’s a much calmer, wiser person residing inside of me and the hopeless person that I feel I am and loves crying is fighting to survive (not the concept of the angel and devil on my shoulders, much more subtle than that).

It’s great to have support and a guide to help you out. But nothing like this sane voice in your head that grounds you when you need it the most. Stern and which doesn’t get fooled by the tears and ravaging emotions which seem never-ending.

“Get straight with yourself”, my mentor’s words echoed in my ears.

I could feel myself observing myself. And looking at myself as if from above.

(I was not having an out of body experience – I felt, didn’t ‘see’ myself. Also, something very curious and dubious happened – I could make out a side of a face in the tiles on the wall near the sink. This has happened before. It’s like how we make out shapes out of clouds – I see shapes and faces on the bathroom walls and floor tiles. Don’t give me that look – I told you I wasn’t sane). 

It’s really a wonder, how our minds work and how we let it control us at times. A mere thought can cause meltdown. One single thought.

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Of course most of the times it doesn’t stop there. There are the what-ifs and the buts. Don’t even get me started about the whys – extremely toxic.

Sometimes there is no answer to a why-question. Or to any question.

The sooner that sinks in, the better. Sometimes things are just as they are and people do what they have to do.

Nothing is personal. But everything could be made personal.

“Your thoughts and emotions are what undo you”

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24 comments

  1. Just checking something… when you meditate you get a scared/fear feeling? If yes, then you need privacy when you meditate so you are only communicating with your Mentor. (Some people call is protection. I like privacy better.) I have a poem that is helpful. It makes it so that you are having a private phone call rather than being in a chat room where others can interrupt. If the wrong beings are trying to communicate with you, you can get a fear feeling. Thats when you know to stop.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. timelesswheel · ·

      It’s not a scary feeling… when I did meditate I felt good after but during I struggled. I couldn’t just sit in one place even for 5 minutes. My mentor says that’s fine I just have to keep at it and I’ll get past that struggle – feeling. He says I give up too quickly. I also sit on my bed which kind of makes me sleepy and don’t have any other private place other than my room which doesn’t have enough space for an altar.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. timelesswheel · ·

      I was thinking yesterday about how my nephews would never stay in my room even for two minutes… they’d always cry/run away but are perfectly fine in all the other rooms…
      Maybe there is too much negative or heavy energy in my room… they could probably sense it and wanted to get away as soon as possible! And I literally live there every day…I’m listening to a hypnosis audio everyday and I do feel a little fear sometimes but I nudge myself out of it. I’ve always slept alone and also have lived alone for a while but haven’t been particularly scared in terms of ghosts etc. I feel like they wouldn’t bother you if you’re a ‘Godly’ person (I’m not religious). But I don’t meditate and feel like I do not have much light shining within me at the moment and maybe I am attracting that type of energy or wavelength… I read that Brian Weiss never came across such and zen masters laughed and explained when asked that they couldn’t bear showing up because of his energy or light…

      Like

    3. Some things you could try if you wanted to… burn sandalwood incense (but not if you have a smoke alarm), use some Australian Bushflower ‘Space Clearing’ spray… or just focus on ‘Light’ when your feel like you are in disharmony. You are right in that if you are filled with Light you aren’t bothered.

      Liked by 1 person

    4. timelesswheel · ·

      I don’t feel like I’m bothered by spirits really… I think it’s just my mind… I haven’t still gotten used to listening to a voice in a dark room… When I’m listening to Brian Weiss’s audio, I feel much calmer, I find his voice very soothing and… direct… like a no-nonsense kind voice… like Dumbledore 😀 I’ve never really thought or paid much attention to the ghosts phenomenon. I walk around the house in the dark and it doesn’t worry me much. But my mind does give me some creepy feelings when I’m just lying in bed with my eyes open. I’m not so clear what this is either… But I do know that my nephews definitely don’t like being in my room 😦 It is sort of closed off in a corner without much light coming in… all other rooms are very airy and have plenty of light coming in… that could be the reason I suppose, but again, I’m not sure…

      Liked by 1 person

    5. timelesswheel · ·

      Thank you so much for all your comments 🙂 You’ve been very supportive throughout…I cannot express how grateful I am for your inputs 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    6. You are welcome xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This too shall pass. It does take courage to expose your vulnerability. That let’s me know you will be fine. When is up to you. Keep writing and sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. timelesswheel · ·

      Thank you for your kind words 🙂

      Like

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