We must have read, heard or said at least once in our lives to “live in the present moment”, “live in the now”, “be here”, “be present”. (If you haven’t, you have now!)
We don’t all have amnesia. So why do people keep telling us this or continue writing about it when we already know this? Because we need reminders – all the time. Not that we forget. We just…lose ourselves in the identification with our ‘lives’, stories, thoughts and dramas.
Since June last year, I’ve read a lot in the nonfiction category of books (which I hardly use to touch upon), and I jump from one book to another without completely having digested everything. I’ve read Eckhart Tolle’s power of now. But have I practiced it or even seriously tried my best to? No. Why? I don’t know…laziness, or getting lost in the everyday drama. I know the concepts, I know the philosophy, I know the ‘truth’ of things. But I don’t practice it. I don’t live it.
We hear of people not doing things because they are busy. Sure, I wake up early, go to work, spend a lot of time in between – travelling to and from home for work, it might be tiring etc. But really, in the middle of all that, what I really feel is not tiredness. It’s a sort of emptiness. And a repetitiveness. And boredom. Not normal casual “Oh I’m bored, let’s play chess” kind of boredom. Serious, “I’m tired of being bored. I don’t want to do anything but I want to do something meaningful” kind of boredom. If something like that even exists…
My whole blog kind of revolves around this post really, if I think about it now. The name, the tagline, the picture that goes up on the blog profile. But it feels sort of just decorative since the last couple of days, because I feel like I’m settling. For the “whatever” feeling. And that is just not acceptable anymore. Sure, I pretty much lived in the “whatever” world for the past few years and “anything will do, just let’s get to the next moment or month or year” attitude. I feel the shift from being alive and passionate about finally living in the now and learning and growing. I didn’t even realize when that shift occurred. It just did. And that’s freaky. We constantly change and we might look back 2 or 5 or 10 years and think “Oh my God, I was so different”. But do we see how we change every single day? Because that’s how that big change actually happens. Slowly, in tiny fragments of this and that.
I was feeling low the past couple of days. I didn’t know what to write about and I seriously thought I might have nothing to say because my mind was on some other plane. The one it had left 6 months ago. The place where settling, surviving and dragging my feet is normal. And I don’t want to go back to that. And I almost had. I could feel myself slipping back slowly. To the late nights, to the obsessions, to the unhealthy choices (even if petty ones). We are our choices. And every small choice – whether we eat that fry or keep awake to watch that movie instead of sleeping, or letting negative thoughts linger – matters. It not just matters, but it’s crucial.
And for some reason, this blog is helping me to keep track and keep on track.
It’s been just over a month since I started this blog and I want to take a moment to thank all of you who have read, liked, commented and followed this blog, because it has meant a lot and has been invaluable to me this last month. You guys are awesome. Keep those posts coming!